In a recent commentary piece for The New Yorker, Jessica Winter muses about how “co-regulation” has become the latest parenting buzzword. Co-regulation refers to a parent controlling their own emotional response to a stressful interaction with their child and modelling calmness to help the child manage their emotions. Winter doesn’t disagree with the concept but points out an obstacle for millions of parents around the globe.
“What is largely missing from the co-regulation conversation is the same thing that’s missing from most mainstream parenting doctrine, which is any substantive acknowledgment of the sociocultural and socioeconomic factors that make it more difficult for stressed-out parents to follow even the most self-evidently slam-dunk advice.”
Winter’s observation rings true with data we collected from migrant and displaced parents and caregivers living on the Thailand-Myanmar border, a place rife with insecurity and stress. Decades of armed conflict and political and economic instability in Myanmar have resulted in 2-3 million people crossing over the border into neighbouring Thailand in search of safety and survival. Our study, conducted as part of the Global Parenting Initiative, interviewed 2 250 parents and caregivers living on the border and the data speak volumes. The loudest message? That parenting in high-adversity, low-resource crisis settings would test even the most regulated parent.
Most of the caregivers in our study have suffered traumatic experiences such as war, natural disaster, and sudden disappearance or death of a loved one. Vulnerability is a feature of everyday life for these families, with 75% of caregivers not having enough food and living in Thailand without legal status, putting them at risk of arrest or exploitation.
Given these conditions, it is no surprise that parents’ mental health and ability to regulate – not to mention co-regulate – are stressed to the max. More than half of the caregivers in our study met a threshold indicating clinical levels of psychological distress, with a greater proportion of women reporting depression and anxiety symptoms. Over 60% said they found it difficult to calm down when feeling angry or stressed out and a quarter said they had no one to help with chores or childcare if they were sick.
The impacts on parenting amidst such adversity are unmistakable. Shouting, threatening, and physically punishing children were common practices among caregivers in our study, with over half slapping, spanking, or hitting their child at least once in the last 30 days. Our data, while grim, also paint a picture of parents doing their best under unimaginably difficult circumstances. Over 60% said they frequently showed love and appreciation for their children through praise and physical affection, and almost three-quarters said they played with their young child at least once in the last 7 days.
Our team, with funding from the LEGO Foundation, is currently testing innovative and trauma-informed strategies to help caregivers cope with stress and practice positive parenting strategies despite daily threats to their security and peace of mind. As Winter points out, parents – especially parents living in places like the Thailand-Myanmar border – need systems to change to have the tools to co-regulate effectively. Knowledge and skills to better manage emotional reactions are important, yes, but so are policies and programs that enable parents to live without fear of abuse and support their families through dignified work. Expecting parents to co-regulate without these basic conditions in place sets the bar unfairly high for the caregivers in our study – and for the millions around the world parenting in war, poverty, and displacement.
